My Thoughts On The Minnesota Recount And Other Stuff
Monday, January 5th, 2009 | Uncategorized | 6 Comments
Happy Monday!
1. I am happy Franken appears to have won. The title experiment continues.
2. I’m in beautiful Anaheim, CA. It’s so warm. Or so I hear. There’s a chance I may never leave the hotel I’m in. It is hard to be so to close weather that doesn’t make my skin bleed, yet be unable to feel it’s velvety touch.
Last night I did manage to sneak out for a bit hoping to catch a glimpse of Disneyland. Sadly I went the wrong way down Harbor and instead caught a glimpse of a liquor store and Carl’s Jr.
3. Since it costs this turkey money to use the interweb in his hotel room, this turkey is cleverly sticking it to the man by blogging on his G1. The only downside to this is that it takes forever to type on his keypad. Oh well. Sometimes short is good!
My Thoughts On The Monster Growing In Meryl Streep’s Vagina*
Friday, January 2nd, 2009 | Uncategorized | 8 Comments
Happy Friday!
1. I was reading an article on wired.com that was all about increasing blog traffic. One tip the site recommended was to “piggyback” on big news stories with your blog title. Here’s the snippet:
You may not be able to break a juicy story (”britney shaves head—again!”) but you can pontificate on it (”inside britney’s shaved head”). Your post will show up in searches for the story, and you’ll hoover up the hits.
So, I’m really curious to see if this will work. Starting tomorrow I am going to scan the web for outrageous headlines, then I’m going to pontificate on them. Rest assured, this blog will have nothing to do (maybe.) with say, the monster growing in Meryl Streep’s vagina**. No, it will still be delightfully devoted to my neurosis and awesomeness, but for the sake of science, I must try this. My bet? 10% growth over last month.
*This has not been confirmed.
**Still not confirmed, but perhaps just as telling, not denied by Meryl’s reps.
Final Post of 2008!
Wednesday, December 31st, 2008 | Uncategorized | 3 Comments
Happy New Year’s Eve!
1. Per usual, I will be doing some comedy at the BNW this evening. If your still looking for something fun to do, it’s not a bad bet.
2. Yesterday I broke a recliner by sitting on it and using it for its intended purpose. Before that moment I didn’t really have any resolutions for 2009. Oh well…It’s good to have goals.
3. Tonight I shall wear the vest! Thanks to all of you who’ve inspired me with your…inspiring words.
Have a great NYE everybody.
To Vest or Not To Vest…
Tuesday, December 30th, 2008 | Uncategorized | 15 Comments
Happy Tuesday!
1. Dear readers, I am in a bit of a fashion quandry. My Mother gave me a vest for xmas. Or it might have been for my birthday but I digress. The point is, it’s a nice vest. It’s dark brown and the front is a classy corduroy. I like it. But will I ever wear it? And almost as importantly, will I be mocked from now until the end of eternity if I do? I know that were say, anyone on the planet minus a bootlegger during the prohibition era, to appear in front of me wearing a vest, I would laugh until my eyes popped out of my head and my stomach bled. But still, I do consider myself to be something of a clothes kind of guy and maybe it is time to take a chance. The counter argument to what I just wrote of course is…”It’s a vest.”
Ladies and Gentlemen of good taste, what are your thoughts? I’m probably just going to try it out for a while…
2. Also, scroll down and join my blog network!
Things I Learned Last Night
Monday, December 29th, 2008 | Uncategorized | 3 Comments
Happy Monday!
1. First off, please take a moment to notice the lovely new “art” on my website. I call the three separate pieces, “Bike Path”, “Death Of A Shitty Beer” and “Wall”. Shower me with praise.
2. Although I always thought I could, it turns out I cannot eat 3/4’s of a medium sized stuffed spinach pizza from Giordano’s and not suffer the horrible, horrible consequences. Essentially my body went into shut down. My stomach expanded with gas and shame, my ass sealed shut and a gas with a temp of at least 5,000 degrees lingered in my throat forcing me to lay in bed all night and accept that when I do stupid shit, I must face the…shit. That won’t come out.
3. Because I couldn’t sleep last night I was lucky enough to be awake when a Chicago Police Officer arrested a man right outside (and a floor below) the LCW’s window. From this I learned that the CPD will use a taser if you (the suspect) don’t calm the fuck down. Whether or not that’s the official phrase they’re supposed to use, I think we should all consider ourselves warned.
4. If you haven’t already, scroll down the site and join my blog network.
Mike
Holiday Recap!
Friday, December 26th, 2008 | Uncategorized | 4 Comments
Happy Day After Christmas! Let’s do a holiday recap, no? What’s that? Whatevs, I’m doing one anyway.
1. My birthday, as I’ve already covered, was a mixed bag. I wasn’t handling the aging thing well and generally speaking, just wasn’t in a very good mood. In fact, the last thing I wanted to do after a day of fighting traffic and other nuisances (like the reality of my mortality) was to do a show. Well, I’m glad I did. I sometimes forget since we’re always working together, that my co-workers are some of my closest friends on the planet. Anyhoo, they really cheered this son of a bitch up and made me feel like a real ace! It was a really nice. After the show in what’s becoming a bit of a tradition, we did an Armando Diaz where I, because I was the birthday boy, did all the monologues. All of this was followed up by some Bulldog NE. It was great fun.
2. Xmas Eve was something of a let down. I was supposed to head down to Chicago on that day, but a winter advisory kept me off the road and in my house. In a way this was good. The extra time allowed me to wrap presents and watch like ten episodes of Top Chef Chicago. How did Lisa (was that her name? I can’t remember) make it into the final group? Wow. What a nasty little person she was on that show. Lisa, did however allow me to forget if only for a moment that I had let the Lil’ Chicago Warrior (also named Lisa! Crazy!) down. Oh man, she claims she was mad at the weather and not at me, which would only be true if instead of a person, I were a storm front. I’m not sure what I wrote made sense. She was mad at me.
3. Christmas found me on the road. At one point my car wouldn’t go over 60mph and shook like it was going to explode. So I did the only thing I could think of. I pulled into a gas station, filled up the car, and then re-started it. From there it worked like aces. Nice. I should be a mechanic.
Spent the rest of Christmas with the relatives. LCW came with and what can I say? The girl knows how to work a crowd. By the end of the night she was holding babies, making small talk about the erosion of our civil liberties and sitting at the adults table.
4. Finally, if you get a chance, scroll down my sidebar (growl!) and join my blog network. It’s a thing for Facebook. It might give me more exposure. Thanks!
Hope your holidays were well.
Mike
It’s My Birthday. Also, My Mother Loves Me In Her Own Special Way.
Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008 | Uncategorized | 6 Comments
Happy Me Day!
1. I have no idea why 32 has been hard for me to take. I truly have never had an “age issue”. Well until now, I guess.
2. My Mother called this morning to wish me a happy birthday. It was very sweet. At first I thought that something might be wrong. Why just the other day, I was screaming at her from inside a Target, while she sat in her lair, nitpicking me and openly wondering why I wasn’t able (willing) to split myself in half and be in two places at once on Christmas Eve. But here she was, being nice and claiming she was happy that I was born. But then, before the world imploded, she reverted to form and made me feel guilty for living in another state. Thanks Mom! Glad to know everything’s okay! According to her, I’m letting everyone down this year. EVERYONE. Not just her. Everyone.
3. On the plus side, the Bears managed to win a game they should have lost last night. YAY!
Mike
Mike Goes To Rogers And Subsequently Wins A Game of Poker.
Monday, December 22nd, 2008 | Old, Poker | 6 Comments
Happy Monday!
1. Last night the BNW had a holiday slumber party at the Hampton Inn in marvelous Rogers, MN. To be perfectly honest with all of you, I wasn’t planning on attending this gathering. I was tired, not feeling well and just being a crum bum. Then I heard there might be poker at the slumber party so I changed my tune. I love me some poker. Anyhoo, long story short, I won. Also, and almost as important as winning, I played really really well. Seriously. I played great. Good for me.
2. Tomorrow I turn 32. In other words, I’ll be really, really fucking old. But sadly, not old enough to cash in on some sweet AARP discounts. I handled 30 really well. 31? No problem. 32? Not so much with the good handling.
Mike
Further Evidence That Mike Is Losing His Mind…
Friday, December 19th, 2008 | Stupid Purchases | 11 Comments
Happy Friday!
1. Maybe it’s because I’m turning 32 in a few days and any semblance of the youth or pride of self I once enjoyed is gone, or maybe it’s simply because I’m a cheap bastard who’s finally coming to terms, but I am seriously, SERIOUSLY thinking about buying a flowbee. You guys know what I’m talking about right? For those of you who don’t, and I don’t believe that’s possible, let me fill you in on this bit insanity. The Flowbee is essentially clippers that attach to any standard vaccuum cleaner. That’s right, your hair is sucked into the flowbee, cut with the precision of a surgeon and then neatly disposed of in your vaccuum. Done and done. No fuss. No Muss. I know. It’s like God was bored and decided to make the perfect infomercial product.
I know I shouldn’t do it. I know it. Hell, the website itself is a deterrent, clearly having been set up in the early 90’s and not altered since. But still, I’m probably gonna do it. I mean, my haircuts are not complicated. A number 3 on the sides and then a nice blend into what’s left up top. That’s it. I should be able to do that on my own. Honestly, the only reason I don’t clipper my hair on my own now, is that I can’t stand sweeping anything, let alone little graying(sp?) hairs. The inventor of Flowbee (GOD) seems to have known this about me and other men and marketed a product that addresses so many of our faults.
Anyhoo, long story short, I’ll let you know on Monday what I decided to do.
Mike
Mike’s Losing His Mind.
Thursday, December 18th, 2008 | Plugs | 5 Comments
Happy Thursday!
1. For my Wednesday, the plan was, unlike the prior two days, to get some writing done. To feel a sense of accomplishment. To ward off the lazy monster that had been perched upon my back and had been sucking any energy I had and face the day! And for the most part the plan worked. Sure, Facebook sucked away productive time like it always does and yeah my crosswords took longer than usual to do, but I forced myself to get out of the house and the point is, by the end of the day I had gotten some seriously good writing done. Writing that I could hang my hat on, or set my watch to whichever old man phrase you prefer. Considering how hard it has been for me to write a coherent sentence let alone some comedy lately, I was feeling a sense of relief.
How bad has it been for me lately? Well, it took me nearly an hour to put together the piece of crap paragraph you just read.
Anyhoo, to celebrate my near competence, I went to Dominoes to pick up a medium cheese pizza. To me, nothing says victory like eating in one serving something that should take four. Everything was going fine. I was really excited. I ran up to my front door pizza box in hand. I was so close. I just had to slip the key into the lock and I would be in pizza heaven. Then for no reason at all, the box slipped out of my hand, flew open and beautiful slices of greasy pizza plopped onto my disgusting patio floor. I thought about giving up on everything. Just giving up and moving to some island to start a simpler life that didn’t involve doors. But instead, I picked up the slices with a stoic grace and proceeded to eat them. That’s right dear reader, I ate the pizza now covered in snow, dirt and ice melting salt out of spite. “Fuck you world”, I thought as my mouth worked its way through cheese and grit, “I deserve this pizza. Find another dick to chafe.”
Mike
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