mikefotis.com

The Biggest Loser Season Finale Minute By Minute Blog!

Tuesday, April 15th, 2008 | Uncategorized | 7 Comments

Happy Wednesday!

Are you ready for the final Minute by Minute Biggest Loser Blog? I am, but it’s possible that I’ll be writing this blog through tears of joy and sorrow.  It’s hard to let something you love fly away. Even if you know it’s best for both of you.

7pm: Oh man, we are jumping right in. Who did America vote for? Roger, the Alabama good ol’ boy? Or Mark, America’s favorite crier? I’ve neglected to say this in the past, but Alison (the host) is pretty hot. Maybe it’s the dress. Time for a recap. Not from me. From the show.

704: Everybody from the show is being forced into one last weigh in? That’s pretty big. It’ll either be a wonderful sign of the future for that person or a major bummer.

706: Point of interest. I’m listening to the Cubs game while I watch BL. If I type something about Derek Lee, you’ll know why. Multi-media can be tough.

708: The finale is live in front of a studio audience! I wish I had tickets. I would have brought you. You. I’m talking to you. Not him. Not her. You. Mark has just been introduced. He has yet to cry. And the winner is…ROGER!!!! I don’t know how to feel about this. On the one hand, I’m happy because I like Roger. I’m rooting for Roger. But on the other hand, Mark was unbelieveable comic fodder. Here come the other failures, erm, I mean not failures. They all look pretty good, but let’s face it, they ain’t The Biggest Losers, am I right? Yup.

717: Commercials are dumb. The show finally seems to be starting in earnest. Wait I was wrong. It’s another round of failures. Hey, it’s Dan! Wow, he lost a ton of weight and became a choad. Good for him. Bernie! I love Bernie. I still contend he should have been in the BL finale. Holy shit! Brittany is smoking and I mean smoking hot.

721: Alison just called Mark out for being a giant fucking baby. He’s trying to explain it. Don’t do that, Mark. Just start crying. Please? I guess that the most popular failures are being allowed to speak. Ok. Curtis (whom I don’t really remember) needs to hit 238lbs to qualify for health insurance. Can those over 238 not be insured? Is that legal? I must be missing something.

726: I’m starting to think this episode is going to suck. There seem to be no challenges or any last chance workouts. Just the weigh in and flashbacks. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

732: Back from commercials! The failures are now in their workout gear. Bob and (G)Jillian have been introduced. Have I mentioned that I want (G)Jillian to drop bar bells on my nuts and call me a fattie? I want that. Bob’s ascot only further muddies the mystery that is his sexuality. Ok, the failures are being weighed in. Too be honest, I started watching this season after several teams had been eliminated so I care not about some of these teams. Man, these folks are dropping some numbers! Wowza!This show is nothing but good feelings tonight. I want to be sassy about that, but I can’t find a good reason to be. Still, it is fucking boring.

741: Curtis is up! 231! He can be insured. That’s great, but he should have been allowed to be insured regardless. Our country’s amazing.

746: The Cubs are leading 2-1 in the top of the 2nd. I know you all care. Griffey just homered. The Cubs are now losing 3-2.

749: The weigh ins continue. As soon as they come to someone I care about (that sounds mean, I CARE about all of them, I just don’t want to write about them) I’ll jot down some thoughts.

8pm: The weigh in continues. Jackie and Dan are doing their thing. What happened to Dan? I swear that more pounds he shedded, the bigger asshole he became. Perhaps his humility was lodged in his belly fat. What’s with the faux hawk? C’mon buddy. Dan lost 136 lbs. He’s now the leader. Boo.

803: Hey Trent’s up! I like Trent. C’mon pal, knock Dan out. He missed out by a pound. That was close!

808: We’re back! Bernie’s up! Bernie’s great. America loves him. He lost 130! He has the highest percentage of weight loss! Dan is gone! America rejoices!

811: Brittany’s up. She’s super hot. And by the way, before I get a bunch of comments about what a monster I am, you all should know that I’ve always thought she was hot. So back off, ok!? Ok?! Jeez…

813: Jay’s up. Jay’s exactly like Mark except he is capable of controlling his emotions.

814: Only Mark stands in the way of America’s desires. Only Mark can crush Bernie’s joy. I like Mark. He has provided me with hours of tear related laughter, but I don’t want him to win.

815: And the winner is…Bernie! Bernie wins! Bernie wins! Mark just hugged Bernie. Now Bernie’s sobbing. Mark passed it on. Wasn’t there a movie like that? Where evil was passed from one person to another?

823: The finalists are revealing the struggles they’ve had since they left the ranch. The drama builds!

824: (G)Jillian is inspiring so many people and…my penis! Hey-o! I’m really rooting for Kelly. I don’t know why. I just like her. I’m a fan of Roger as well. Ali’s swell, but she would be my third pick. For no reason whatsoever.

828: Something just happened. I have no idea what. Someone just won something. Good for them. Maybe it was an Oscar for editing. What? Exactly.

833: Derek Lee just hit a 3 run homer. That’s awesome. Cubs 5 - Reds 3.

834: Back to BL. The finalists are being introduced! Really, this is just the begining of 20 minutes of filler. Ali’s dress has a bow on it. Her dream must’ve been to lose weight and then be given to someone as a gift.

843: Roger’s up! They’re recapping the recaps! C’mon! We’ve already seen the sob stories! Move along! Roger lost-164lbs! That’s formidable! He has a loss percentage of 35. I think. A commercial? Seriously? Fuck.

847: Kelly’s up! She’s this season’s Rudy. There were more athletic competitors, but somehow she pulled it off. I just like her. Nurses are awesome.  Let’s see what happens. Kelly lost 109lbs! Roger is still in the lead. Sorry Kelly. You’re a winner in my book.

852: Ali’s up. Ok, I’m rooting for Roger now. I usually go for the underdog, but Ali doesn’t do it for me. Besides, if Roger loses, the “pride” tattoos that the blue team got will become even more ridiculous mistakes than they already are. Seriously, what were they thinking? They should have just gotten tattoos of puppies cuddling that said, “best friends forever”. That would have been tougher than the ones they got.  A commercial. Of course.

859: Ali won.

9pm: I feel empty.

Mike

Softball and Mental Breakdowns

Monday, April 14th, 2008 | Sports | 5 Comments

Happy Tuesday!

1. I am pleased to announce the the BNW’s Softball team, The Skirt Turtles, are an impressive 1-0! Technically we won by forfeit since the opposing team only had 4 people show up, but I’ll take it. Some critics might find fault in my celebrating.   But as they say in Cooperstown, a win is a win is a win. In the end we loaned the Ugly Mugs (the opponent) some players and we scrimmaged. It was a ton of fun, even if the scrimmage clearly revealed we have some work to do if we are to keep our winning streak in tact. We tend to not catch balls that come to us. We over swing at pitches and sometimes fail to make contact and there is no denying that a quick session on the rules of the game might not be a bad idea.  But, this team has more heart than it knows what to do with and with a little practice* I can see us being very competitive. VERY COMPETITIVE. EXTREMELY COMPETITIVE. I guess what I’m saying is that we are obviously going to win this league…Even if the other team shows up…

2. I was supposed to play with True Stories Of Total Bullshit last night but I bailed. I feel like an asshole. The thing is, I perform constantly and lately I’ve been feeling like I’m on the verge of a major burnout. I’m constantly checking my calendar, looking for what I’m forgetting and I’m having trouble focusing on even small tasks because I have about a million different half written thoughts racing through my head. Couple that with a few other things and Lil’ Mike’s mental sanity was teetering towards “cuckoo Town” to say the least. Being on a softball field nowhere near scripts or the theory of improv was incredibly relaxing. I was just calm and if you know me or have been around me at all in the past two months, you know that’s not a common occurrence. I know, I know, poor Mike. Being a comedian for a living must be the hardest of lives. But the thing is I’m writing constantly, planning constantly and generally thinking about performance every second of the day. That takes a toll. I love it and I would never trade it for anything. But when it’s your job to be creative and to come up with something new on a regular basis, the fun of it all can sort of go away. Sometimes it helps me to step away from it. Which I did tonight. I didn’t even realize I needed to do it until I was nowhere near the creative world. Strange.

3. Today’s blog was a weird mixture of sports editorial and job therapy. Huh.

Mike!

*I’m hoping we practice. That might be a pipe dream. Or, should I say an aluminum bat dream? Get it?! Get it?!

2 Things! 1st Blog Of A New Era!

Monday, April 14th, 2008 | Site News | 8 Comments

Happy Monday!

1. Day 1 of the “now I have my own website” has begun. It’s scary and exciting like scuba diving. It’s exciting because it just is, and it’s scary because I have no idea if anyone is reading this. You see, I have no idea how to read the stats meter on my server. It has words like “hits” and “visits” and “robots” and “tacos” that I understand in their normal contexts, but when used in the world of “inter-netting”, they seem strange and uninviting. Anyhoo, if you’ve made a stop to this site during your trip through cyberspace, I humbly thank you. Humbly. I refuse to thank you with arrogance, because that would be rude. I guess what I’m asking in a round about way, and I mean round about in that I haven’t asked anything as of yet, is that if you like this blog please recommend it to a friend or two. If you do, I’ll somehow sense it and buy you a soda at a future date.

2. So, I’ve been reading lots of articles with titles like “Making Your Blog Successful” and “The Winner’s Blog” or “Why People Who Blog Are So Awesome Yet So Misunderstood” and they all seem piss on all of the things I do in my blog. For starters, my idea to title all of my blogs with a generic, “- Things” is apparently the worst idea in the history of mankind. Seriously. Worse than genocide*. Apparently, such vague titles test the patience of the blog reader. To me, such a vague title screams MYSTERY!!! And you could argue that “- Things” is a branding tool, in that it provides some consistency to what I do. But, point taken. I apologize to all of you (if you’re even there) for toying with your time.

Secondly, the articles pish poshed the idea of a blog that covers lots of different things. Apparently the smart thing to do is to focus on just a couple of things, like airplanes and hot dogs. The theory goes (assuming the title mentions both airplanes and hot dogs) that people into A’s and HD’S will start coming to your blog for the latest dirt on A’s and HD’s and will also pass your info onto other A and HD enthusiasts and soon enough, you will be the king of your pointless empire. This makes a lot of sense. It really does. The only problem? I don’t know enough about anything to devote an entire blog to it.

What was the point of all of this? Nothing. I’m just trying to let you know that I’m probably not going to change how I’ve been doing things.

Mike

*Whomever thought of genocide was a real jerk.

2 Things 4/11/2008

Friday, April 11th, 2008 | Oleo, Sports | No Comments

Happy Friday!

1. Fuck this weather.  The snow on my car was so thick last night that I had to use a scraper to get it off my windshield. It was too thick for the brush. Happy April!

2.  Speaking of birds, budding flowers and 60 degree temps, the BNW has entered into the world of recreational softball.  That’s right, your favorite band of comedians, teachers, staffers and all around good guys and gals are oiling their mitts, taking the donuts off their bats and dusting off their favorite caps all in the name of sportsmanship… and maybe beer. By this time next week, The Skirt Turtles (has there ever been a tougher name? Nope.) will be nursing pulled groins, sprained ankles and possibly broken egos.  The broken ego, will surely belong to me.  In my dreams I’m still able to hit and field like I did when I was 16. But in reality, I haven’t swung a bat since I went to a batting cage while in Tokyo nearly 3 years ago.  Lets just say that after a few hours in the cage, the Yomiuri Giants weren’t exactly chasing me down with contract offers to play first base.   Anyhoo, this whole thing should be pretty fun.  I’ll keep you updated. Or will I? Yes. I will.

Until Monday.

Mike

2 Things 4/10/2008

Thursday, April 10th, 2008 | Solo Show Stuff | 1 Comment

Happy Thursday.

1. I decided not to blog yesterday so that the rampant fervor caused by my blog from earlier in the week could have time to subside. Just kidding. Yesterday sucked for a myriad of reasons and writing about them seemed to be the least healthy thing to do. Let me reiterate. Yesterday sucked.

2. So I’ve begun writing my Fringe show and I am not surprisingly, freaking out about the whole thing. It’s the same old crap from last year. Lots of ideas but none of them are taking shape. It’s my classic writing dilemma. I sit down to write one thing, decide that it’s awful and move onto something else only to decide that the new thing is also awful and soon enough I have about ten awful stories that are only awful because I can’t focus. It’s a frustrating thing. I know that once I get one story done, everything will fall into place, but it’s just a fucking pain in the ass getting there. I do know that the major story this year will be about Winnipeg. The difficult thing about writing that story will be taming it into something that is somewhat manageable. Oh yeah, I also have to try and remember the damn thing. I may have blocked that time in my life out more than I have been willing to admit. I’m in the process of creating the time line of the experience, which were I to perform just that would be…bad. From there, I not sure what to do. In a perfect world (which is what I want really, a perfect world with home cooked meals and gender neutral comedy*), my goal is to encompass several stories into the Winnipeg story. In a sense, I’m trying to write a hurricane. Something that lashes out wildly but finds strength and stability in its center. What? I don’t know, but that’s the visual I’m using. So anyway, I’m writing that. Should be good. Could be bad. Probably will be just fine.

Mike

*Come on! That was pretty funny. Or not. Whatev.

One Interesting Thing 4/8/08

Tuesday, April 8th, 2008 | Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Happy Tuesday!

1. Well, my blog is finally controversial.  It only took 2.5 years and strangely wasn’t really about the subject matter I was dealing with, but hey, controversy comes in all forms I suppose.  In regards to my vagina joke from yesterday, it was certainly crass and it was certainly sexist. There’s no real denying that. On the sexism scale, with ten being the highest, I can’t see how I hit anything higher than a five but I’m not going to defend my joke and I’m not going to apologize for it.  I can certainly see why people could be offended by what I said, but please know this was not my intent.It was a throw away line that in the end, stole the show. Which as a writer, is a lesson learned.   In fact, because of where I received my writing training, my aim is never to be crass just for the sake of being crass.   I’m a comedian. I make jokes. Sometimes those jokes will be crass. Sometimes people will be offended by them.  And while that really isn’t my goal when I write something, it does and (most likely) will continue to happen.  I guess this is a disclaimer.  Anyhoo…

The interesting thing about all of this to me, and this is a conversation that takes place between comedians a lot*, is the line between what makes something funny and edgy and what makes something offensive and how impossible that line is to locate and define. Couching offensive material in satire certainly helps in that it gives everything a purpose and an intent. I know how to make something satirical and I know the place that offensive humor has in satire. My real curiosity comes in trying to define what’s offensive. If you ask me,  defining what’s “offensive”  is an impossible dilemma to answer because everyone’s threshold or perception differs so very much.  Furthermore, what offends one person won’t offend another in the slightest, because in some ways we are defined by the people, causes and sensitivities that surround us. SPOILER ALERT! IF YOU DON’T WANT THIS SKETCH I’M ABOUT TO TALK ABOUT RUINED FOR YOU, STOP READING! I wrote a sketch a few years ago about a robot that is a miracle in terms of its benefits to humankind.  The robot was capable of doing so many wonderful things for the world. The only problem? It was fueled by rape. The satirical point of the sketch was that scientific progress has very real and serious implications and people are sometimes too quick to label something as “the next cure-all”.  Most people get that, but some of those same people are very offended that I used rape as the robot’s flaw.  That’s totally understandable and totally fair. Rape is awful. But so is cancer, and arson and physical abuse.  No matter what I had used as the robot’s fatal flaw, somebody would have been offended.  YOU CAN START READING AGAIN! This comedy stuff is tough, huh? What are your thoughts? This is why I blog. To have discussions that I’m too socially awkward to have in person…

*I assume. It does with my friends.
Mike

3 Things 4/7/2008

Monday, April 7th, 2008 | Oleo, Plugs, Site News | 3 Comments

Happy Monday!

1. Let’s begin this blog by wishing the lovely Lauren Anderson a happy birthday! She’s a delightful woman and someone whom I’m honored to call a friend. Seriously, she’s the bees knees wrapped in honey. She knows everyone in the Twin Cities which is a feat in and of itself, but the fact that all of the people she knows love her unconditionally is even more impressive. Admit it, if you’re friends with Lauren, you’re a better person because of it. Happy B-day, young lady.

2. Well, mikefotis.com is finally where I want it to be. You may not know this about me, but I can be a bit of a stubborn mule. Because of this lovely/annoying trait of mine, I spent hours and hours and hours and hours learning about code and screaming and berating myself and threatening my cat* until I finally arrived at something I liked. No fooling, when images finally started appearing where I wanted them to appear, I nearly started to cry. Oh who am I trying to impress, I totally started sobbing. I blame the tears on it being 430 in the morning and on my being a vagina disguised as a man. Anyhoo, enjoy.

3. Last night, The Moustache Rangers performed the best improv set that I have seen anyone do this year. It wasn’t line for line the funniest set I’ve seen, but the sheer number of levels that they were playing on made the whole thing an absolute sight to see. In short, they managed to shit on improv, celebrate improv, shit on the teaching of improv, celebrate the teaching of improv, delight veteran cranky improvisers with their “meta-ness” and still wholly include the entire audience in their fun all while each only playing one character throughout. Seriously. It was fantastic. Check out their website if you so desire.

Well, that’s all for today. Tomorrow we will discuss solo show stuff and maybe Dinner With Fotis. And probably the Cubs, but in a way that non sports fans will sort of (maybe) like.

Mike

* This may very well have been a hallucination, but at one point I swear my cat called me retarded in a very menacing tone. Hence, my idle and shameful threats of food deprivation. For all those concerned, he is sitting next to me as I write this. Apparently, we are back to being the best of friends.

3 Things 4/4/08

Friday, April 4th, 2008 | Uncategorized | No Comments

Happy Friday!

1. Man, it is finally Spring! Woo hoo! Coincidentally the Cubs won their first game of the season yesterday. Could it be that warm weather in Minnesota directly corresponds to the Cubs win/loss percentage? I wouldn’t be surprised to see a book on that very subject matter within the next 20 years. Because if you think about it, the cause of the Cubs failures would be something as bizarre as that.

2. There are a ton of shows to check out tonight including, The BNW mainstage show, The Rockstar Storyteller show, and Huge’s Improv Punchout. For more information on these shows, check out yesterday’s blog, “Improv Writing” as it has all the deets!

3. Man, you know what’s stressful? Trying to do tweaks, no matter how minor, to a website when you know nothing of code, css, or common sense. This morning from the hours of 1am to 430am are hours I’m never getting back and to make matters even worse, I accomplished nothing during that time. The most humiliating thing in the world of website gobbly gook is to spend 30 minutes trying to make a minor change to your site, only to see that when you hit “refresh”, nothing and I mean NOTHING has happened. It is absolutely soul crushing. I went to bed last night knowing that the last thought my brain had was this, “Fotis, you’re a fucking moron with no redeeming qualities”.

Have a good weekend!

Mike!

Improv Writing?

Thursday, April 3rd, 2008 | Oleo, Plugs, Uncategorized | No Comments

Happy Thursday!

In today’s blog and in keeping with the spirit of my improv training I am going to write the first thing that pops into my head. For the next five minutes, I’m just going to write. The subjects will seem random, but hopefully we will all get a nice glimpse into how my brain works.

1. I promise you this, kind readers. I will always, ALWAYS, have a boner for Norah Jones.
2. Sometimes when I do the dishes, I am blown away by the number of utensils I own. They are always either all dirty or all clean. It’s never half and half.
3. I’m not ashamed to admit that last night, I googled myself. I did it and so do you. Come to terms with your vanity.
4. I am starting to prefer Craig Ferguson to Conan. Conan will always have a place in my heart, but Craig is pretty darn good.
5. I still can’t believe I own a home. Going on three years now. You’d think it would have sunk in by now.
6. I’m going to buy and build a gazeebo. That shit is punk.
7. My roommate is stocking up on soup. He has a lot of it. Maybe he’s opening a soup restraunt.
8. I have spent way too much time doing computer-y things the past 3 days.
9. My nephew is RIDICULOUSLY cute. COME ON! That’s just too much! Look at his hands!TOO MUCH! TOO MUCH!

10. After watching Craig’s monologue, it appears I may have jumped the gun a bit.
11. I am up to 150 jumping jacks a day. I’m a machine. A machine.
12. The Cubs are 0-2. I’m not panicking, but I’m not thrilled.
13. I need to play some GUitar Hero. I can make this happen. My playstation is less than 6 feet from me. All I have to do is stand, walk and hit power.

Ok, I’m done. This was fun, huh?

Mike

plugs:

Vist my website mikefotis.com. Seriously people, the blog’s heading over there very soon.

After checking out the BNW’s latest offering, Old Enough To Know Better. Head over to the BLB to catch the Rockstar Storytellers* at 10pm. Then at 11pm, head back to the workshop to watch Fingergun whup ass at Improv Punchout!

That’s 3 things in one day. Yikes!

*At one point in time, I was scheduled to co-host this show. Due to scheduling conflicts, I am not going to be able to be there. But you should go. These guys are great.

2 Things 4/2/2008

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008 | Oleo, Solo Show Stuff, Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Happy Wednesday! Just a reminder that this blog and many other neat things can be found at mikefotis.com.

1. Well, well, well. The insomnia is back. It’s not insomnia I suppose, because I do sleep. It’s more of a “can’t sleep at night when normal people do” kind of thing. It doesn’t matter if I wake up early in the morning or turn in at a reasonable hour at night, for the next week or so I won’t be able to sleep when I want to. Yay. What does this mean for you, the gentle reader? Well, If you’re a fan of early morning blogs, consider your ticket punched. Maybe I’ll use this time to be constructive and write my fringe show! Maybe. Or maybe I’ll do online crosswords, watch multiple episodes of The Wire (or some other HBO Original Programming) and think about writing my Fringe show, all the while my stomach churning like crazy for no reason whatsoever. I know, I know it’s not even 2am yet. Maybe the sleepy train will make a stop at my bed. That would be sweeter than a freeze pop.

2. I caught only the 2nd hour of The Biggest Loser last night, erm, 6 hours ago, but one thing is for sure. Mark, the older brother from Boston, can’t not cry. He essentially cried the entire episode. Someone sneezes and this guy cries. Someone mentions home or their family and this guy cries. Someone brings up the sky, grass, a car, a gas station, a quarter, wheat, the constitution, the internet, VH1, concepts, geometry, apples, applebutter, Joe Bozic or whatever and this guy cries. It got to the point that while crying on the phone to his wife, she told him to suck it up and get a hold of himself. If the rest of the viewing public is like me, they stood and slow clapped, which had Mark known what we were doing, would have made him cry.

Okay, time to stare at some wall.

Mike