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Aunt Mabel’s Firehouse Chili Recipe. Also, CREATURE FEATURE!

Thursday, October 23rd, 2008 | Plugs, book project

Happy Thursday!

1. Creature Feature! Tonight! 2nd to last chance! 8pm. BNW. Get your tickets here. Not kidding folks. This show sells well.

2. Last night I made my first batch of Chili. Was it good? No. But here’s the recipe anyway.

1. Go to the grocery store. If you’ve never been, a grocery store is like say, Macy’s, except instead of buying an overpriced loveseat, you buy over priced onions. Here’s what you’ll need:

-1 lb of meat. I went with ground turkey because I want to feign good health.

-a package of pre diced onions. Or, you could save money and buy and dice your whole onion. You’re friends will say things like,  “Wow, you’re awesome. You diced your own onion. I just made partner at the law firm. Those accomplishments are pretty much the same.”

-Other veggies. I didn’t do this. You can. Branch out, you little tree you.

-Two cans of diced of halved tomatoes. You’ll only need one, but they’re less than two bucks a can, so go nuts!

-A small can of tomato paste. You’ll want to skip this. I know you will. You’ll be like, “Why paste? I’ve already got tomatoes! This is some sort of conspiracy.”, but you HAVE to buy some. You HAVE to.

-One can of kidney beans. Or you could go to your garden or bean tree or bush or whatever and get some fresh ones!

2. Once home (Big step. Most stores won’t allow you to cook while inside.) begin cooking (insert your term here. “make hot” is the important thing) the onions and the ground turkey.

-Take a moment and look at the clean pot sitting next to your frying pan. This pot is for the meat and onions and tomatoes and beans and PASTE! Consider how annoying it is to clean two dishes. Fuck that. If you’ve got a deep frying pan, throw all this shit in the pan. For a moment you’ll feel like an asshole, I can’t explain why, but the feeling will pass. Add all the tomatoes. One can should do it. Put the other can away. Be dramatic and tell the can it will live one more day. Add all the beans (water and all). Then add the paste. Seriously, paste is magic. Thickens everything right up.

-Look in your spice cabinet. Hmmm, you have no spices.  You know who has spices? Your friend who just made partner.  Dammit! Nothing’s worse than going to the store just for spices. Ugh. Tough break. Fortunately, you do have a bottle of Sriracha sauce! Squeeze 4 times what  your mother would deem appropriate into chili. Rub your hands together and squeal with joy. This is not optional. It must be done in order for chili to “set”.

-Let this all cook until you can’t take it anymore. If you wait a little longer than I did, your first batch of chili won’t feature raw turkey, which by the way, tastes fine.  Add cheese. Lots of cheese. More cheese than you can imagine! Got sour cream? Dump some of that in too! Do whatever you want. It’s chili. When serving to friends, name it after your aunt and say the recipe’s a secret. That’s what everybody else does.

-Enjoy!

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