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Dear Woman At The Dog Park,

I don’t know your name, so for the sake of simplicity I’ll just call you Jane. Jane, I’m sure you’re a sane and rational woman, and I am sure the portrait of the woman tattooed on your arm was/is a equally sane and rational.  So, I’m puzzled why you’d bring your very young children to the dog park.  I found it strange when you allowed your children to lie face down on the ground in the middle of the park and do…well, I have no idea what the fuck they were doing, but they sure as hell were doing it, while packs of dogs literally sprinted inches from them. Strange. It was is if, they had been told treasure was in the ground  and if they laid motionless in a dog park they would be rewarded with gold. Maybe that’s nature, I know I was a pretty weird kid, but there was something abouut their behavior that screamed nurture.

What’s more, when they decided to stand up, why would you allow your very young children to taunt an incredibly large dog? A dog so large  that were your two children to combine, they would still be smaller than this dog.  A dog was so large that it’s possible that it’s never seen anything as small as your children. Your tiny children were confusing to the large dog. The large dog wanted nothing to do with your incredibly tiny children. He wanted nothing more than to be left alone with his large self.  So it was even more confusing to the dog, me and everyone else in the park when you allowed your very small children to run circles around him and pester him with each lap they made. Imagine being pestered by two unrelenting flies. Well, I’m pretty sure that’s how the dog felt.  Further, when the owner of the large dog is openly asking you to keep your children away from her dog, why did you ignore her? The owner of the dog clearly said, “Don’t run circles around the dog, he’s starting to get irritated.”  Maybe you didn’t hear her. Who knows? The thing is, I was ten feet farther away from you than the dog owner and I still heard her clearly.

In closing, you’re stupid and you put your children at risk. Have a nice day.

-Mike

PS-No. I have never made a mistake.

Happy Wednesday.

1. An Open Letter To T-Mobile

Dear Shiteaters I mean T-Mobile,

For the most part, I have enjoyed the time we’ve spent together. You’ve offered me low rates and when problems have popped up here and there you’ve always been courteous and offered me swift resolution. That all changed this weekend when apparently your entire company decided to beat themselves about the head until they became retarded.

I wish I had known about your “Self-tardation” decision before I called, because it would have saved me a lot of time. A quick automated message in front of your usual hour long automated message saying, “Hello! We all Retardededededed today! Cracker? CRACKER!” would have been awfully helpful.

Anyway, here are some tips for helping the next person in my position.

#1-The people at your stores should know a little bit about the services they offer and how to remedy a customer’s concerns. Staring at me until I suggest calling headquarters or whatever the fuck you call it, doesn’t really do the trick. Phones break. I get that. You get that. I was 4 months away from contract renewal. Just wave those months and give me a new phone at the reduced rate being offered. If you had done that, everything would have been fine. And I wouldn’t have had to call headquarters or whatever the fuck you call it to be phone raped by your incompetence.

#2-Is the phone system as complicated as it seems over there at headquarters or whatever the fuck you call it? I only ask because I was disconnected on two separate phone calls as I was being transfered to someone else who (probably) couldn’t help me. Being disconnected while being offered no real help-”Have you tried turning it off and then back on again? Crackers!”-is enough to drive a reasonable person absolutely insane.

#3-And finally, next time, when I finally am able to get a hold of someone who waives the extra months and gives me the phone I want at the reduced price and waives the express shipping fee on the phone and seems to solve all my problems and make sunshine come out of kitty asses and blah blah blah, remind them to tell me that the phone is on back order and I won’t have it for two weeks. Finding that out on my own sucked.

Anyway fuck you and have a great day,

Mike Fotis