mikefotis.com

Dear T-Mobile,

It’s me again. Hi. In the past we’ve bickered quite a bit, whether it was over a billing error, or the fact that you won’t offer me a discount to replace my broken phone. Sometimes it feels like we’re stuck in our own version of “Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf.” Am I right? You and I are like cats and dogs! But somehow we “work”. You and I click, T-Mobile. There’s no denying that there’s a magic there. And I don’t mean fake magic like the kind David Blaine does. I’m talking renegade Criss Angel magic. You know, the dangerous kind of magic.

The main reason I think that we “work” is that we never miss an opportunity to celebrate each of our wonderful qualities. Sure we bicker with the best of them, but we also know how to love each other unconditionally. And a few days ago, you really went out of your way to show your love and I want to say thanks.

For some reason, even a picture of a G-1 affects the battery life on my actual G-1.

So, thank you. Thank you for the gift of the weak ass battery that currently “powers” my G1. I love it. It’s so fun knowing that even with the GPS and Wi-Fi off, I have about half an hour of battery life to sit back and watch while Facebook fails to load. I get goosebumps knowing that if I’m ever lost while driving, I can turn on my GPS and be filled with confidence, knowing that for nearly two minutes, I will be able to navigate my way out of any sticky situation.

I look forward to speaking with you about this, T-Mobile. I am sure that like all of our other conversations, it willed be filled with cooing and sweet nothings.

Thank you. And of course by thank you, I mean to say that you suck with the force of one of those awesome Dyson vacuums.

-Mike

Happy Thursday!

1. The Twin Cities Improv Festival starts tonight! Woo hoo! Tonight I play with the fellas of Fingergun at 7pm. We are playing with a group called The Cosby Sweaters. For more complete line up information, go to twincitiesimprovfestival.com! I am a very lucky man, because I get to play almost every night of the fest. Seriously, that’s something I’m incredibly grateful for.

2. I hate you T-Mobile. That’s all. Just had to get it off my chest.

3. You guys! I found a furniture set that I really like! I’m a home maker! A home maker! Huzzah! Huzzah!

Happy Wednesday.

1. An Open Letter To T-Mobile

Dear Shiteaters I mean T-Mobile,

For the most part, I have enjoyed the time we’ve spent together. You’ve offered me low rates and when problems have popped up here and there you’ve always been courteous and offered me swift resolution. That all changed this weekend when apparently your entire company decided to beat themselves about the head until they became retarded.

I wish I had known about your “Self-tardation” decision before I called, because it would have saved me a lot of time. A quick automated message in front of your usual hour long automated message saying, “Hello! We all Retardededededed today! Cracker? CRACKER!” would have been awfully helpful.

Anyway, here are some tips for helping the next person in my position.

#1-The people at your stores should know a little bit about the services they offer and how to remedy a customer’s concerns. Staring at me until I suggest calling headquarters or whatever the fuck you call it, doesn’t really do the trick. Phones break. I get that. You get that. I was 4 months away from contract renewal. Just wave those months and give me a new phone at the reduced rate being offered. If you had done that, everything would have been fine. And I wouldn’t have had to call headquarters or whatever the fuck you call it to be phone raped by your incompetence.

#2-Is the phone system as complicated as it seems over there at headquarters or whatever the fuck you call it? I only ask because I was disconnected on two separate phone calls as I was being transfered to someone else who (probably) couldn’t help me. Being disconnected while being offered no real help-”Have you tried turning it off and then back on again? Crackers!”-is enough to drive a reasonable person absolutely insane.

#3-And finally, next time, when I finally am able to get a hold of someone who waives the extra months and gives me the phone I want at the reduced price and waives the express shipping fee on the phone and seems to solve all my problems and make sunshine come out of kitty asses and blah blah blah, remind them to tell me that the phone is on back order and I won’t have it for two weeks. Finding that out on my own sucked.

Anyway fuck you and have a great day,

Mike Fotis